Indescribable Tangible Feeling

Missing the way someone was when you first met, and feeling your heart ache knowing you can’t give them hope happiness and rest. Heart hurts seeing their pain and weariness. Knowing you can’t make them genuinely content and happy, but would do anything it takes to see them truly smile again. Definitely love them even if you don’t exactly know how to describe the love you still have for them. But still see all the little things that make them who they are. And love them even more. Emotions. Memories. Knowing you’ll always have love for them no matter what may happen. Seeing all the potential they still have. Realizing how beautiful and sad their voice is, and that you really missed it. But they are still beautiful to you, so beautiful. Listening to a song they played for you, and wiping away a tear. Loving someone this way, is far more difficult than you ever expected. If you could see them smile..

20 Years Old ~turning 20 and life now from 1 year ago~

I have come a long ways, even in one year, Ive made leaps and bounds in personal growth, and especially becoming a mother.

Last year, Felicia Nelson decided to take me up to this small town of Northfield, and on the way up we joked I’d meet my future husband in this town Id never been to. That evening, I first met Eric Mahn, and it all lead to where I am now.

I have a wonderful small handful of people who have befriended me and shown care, and become really close to my heart .

I have overcome some of the scariest times in my life, and am staying strong.

Last year, I would have never expected or dreamed to be where I am

now. I am truly blessed, and amazed at how I got to where I am. And know it will continue with hard work.

Thank you everyone who has been there for me and made life so enjoyable. I love you all so much.

I am beyond blessed and I think I am truly the happiest with myself and life now than I was ever before . Thank you, thank you everyone. I am truly so grateful and blessed🙏🏼

💕Juniper, Mama loves you and cant wait to show you this world. As you squirm and kick, I couldn’t be happier on my birthday, because my two greatest gifts this year are you and your father. We cant wait to meet you. Stay in there for a bit longer, though, please.

Love Mama❤️

w h o Am I?(part 1)

Who Am I?

I am a daughter, sister, mother to be, fiance and friend.

But those are just words that tell only the first pages of my story.

Daughter. I am a daughter. I was born in a small Romanian village where I was left at the hospital after my biological mother had given birth. She wasn’t able to keep me because my family were a poor family of gypsies.

A month from my third birthday, August 29, 2000, a single woman teaching English and living in Romania adopted me , and we lived together in Romania for two more years. That woman became my unconditional loving mother, and I became her daughter.

Sister. I am a sister. I have two younger brothers and a younger sister. Though not blood related, and certainly no similar physical characteristics, those blue eyes kids are my siblings, and they have made me a sister three times. They have taught me countless lessons, loved me, looked up to me, and now inspire me to this day.

Pregnancy+Mental Health

“I cant take good care of my baby if I am not taking good care of myself”

I had an appointment and was dreading going because I knew I had to bring up a pressing issue and be honest with her. And to be frankly honest, I was anxious to say anything because I felt weak and really pissed off , actually.

Pissed off because I knew Inhadnt been staying on top of my mental health , which for me includes being aware of my moods and mold swings, staying active and busy, and journaling or being open with others.

Throughout the treatment centers and juvenile placements I have been through, I always learned how important it is to stay on top of my emotions and be self aware, because when I am down, I can sink very low and very fast. If I catch myself before I spiral too fast, I can sometimes with the help of talking and calming down , take a step back , and stop the fast plummet.

I also have learned and am now putting into play, how to ask for help, reach out to others, and be honest with how I am feeling.

Before, I would go months with saying , “I am fine. Nothing is wrong. I am happy. I am okay. I am not sad, mad, upset. I am not overwhelmed. I just never thought I could let anyone else know anything other than I am fine. Now I am slowly, not every time but more often then ever before, telling people when I am not okay, when I need help, and know I am not less of a human or less “good ” or “normal” for asking for that extra help. Today I discussed with my doctor how I surprised myself with how quickly I spiraled down this past weekend, and how I would like to ask for help to keep my mood a bit more steady, and stay on top of my mental health, my anxiety , depression, and other struggles. With her amazing reply and agreeing with me, I decided the best thing for me was to get back on some medication, and start therapy again.

I have not been on any medication seen a therapist for over 2 years, because I didn’t want any help or to be on any meds, because I was 18, I could now choose to live life without either of them. And I did, until now.

I am very proud of my choice to reach out and ask for help, because I am about to have my daughter, and I know I cant care for her the best I could, if I am not taking care of myself and keeping myself healthy as well.

Yes, I may not always be fine, and happy, and that is really okay! I can ask for help, and it doesn’t make me weak. I am taking the reins and staying on top of my mental health, because it feels dam good to.

Candid Start

“If I can’t be honest with who I am; then who am I?

These are the words that have been floating around my thoughts this past weekend, and making me uncomfortable enough to do something about it. This past weekend I have realized I am very good at hiding from others, and even myself, my true feelings and emotions. This only causes major problems in my life, and if I can’t be honest with myself, I live a lie, and living a lie is no way to stay on top of and deal with my mental health .

What do I do when I cant figure something out, explain how I am feeling, or make sense of my emotions? I write. Writing has been my way of unscrambling the scrambled mess in my head, and so here I am, and here you are, as I begin my start to a much more real , raw , candid , honest, and lifelong journey in my life.




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truthful and straightforward; frank.